Social Connection is critical to our Wellbeing

It was the third week of March and Australia was beginning to hunker down as COVID19 numbers increased.  I was having a coaching conversation with a regular client who had moved to Australia for work and career development. We were discussing how quickly things were changing at work and in society. We discussed Social Distancing.

We both expressed a strong dislike for the words that WHO and the Australian Department of Health were using to advise us to stay safe.  He acknowledged his collective cultural background and how important it was to him to be connected to people, to stay close not distant.  At home, he felt close to many people, family and friends, and had been enjoying building close relationships here in Australia.

I suggested we change the words in our minds so that we thought of Physical Distancing while staying Socially Connected.

As the weeks have flown by I’ve thought of that as I’ve helped people reflect on what they are doing to support their wellbeing. 

We all know that Connecting is critical for Wellbeing. 

Both the connections where we share deeply, acknowledging our pain or joys and the lighter connections over shared humour or fun events.

Both the people who are a part of our intimate circle -family or close friends and colleagues, and those casual connections, whose names we may not know but we greet regularly in passing. 

Psychologists have shown both these deep ties and the weak ties are important for healthy functioning.

We cannot survive and thrive, as individuals or as a society, if we are truly socially distant.

Six weeks onwards how are we going at staying Socially Connected? 

• Are we showing up and opening up; being honest about both our joys and challenges to those in the inner circle of our deeper ties?
• Are we still sharing the memes and tik-toks, sharing the laughter and the lighter side of this strange life?
• Are we continuing to smile and greet those we walk past on our exercise route, or in distant queue at the coffee shop?
• In our virtual meetings and conversations, are we checking in with honesty?  
• Asking for help when needed?
• For those of us who are introverted, are we taking time away from the virtual demands to re-energise as we need. 
• For Team Leaders - are we reaching out to check in with those who might be struggling?  This is a time to consider the relationship needs of people as important as (if not more important) than the task needs that are inherent in the work.
• We need to be both thinking of ourselves and our needs and thinking of others.  What do we need and what might others in both our close and distant circles need that we could give? 

Consider this - perhaps this virtual connectedness strips away the veneer of connectedness that may have existed ‘before’ to show the reality of our need for Connection.

Please reach out if you want to talk. 

AND please sign this petition to change the language at a media and government level -Physcial Distance NOT Social Distance - with thanks to Michelle McQuaid for setting it up.

Living in Uncertain Times

Over the past month I've been speaking with people around the world making difficult decisions about their work and lives in the middle of the current COVID-19 challenges. Should we stay in this location or go elswhere?  Should the family be split up or the workteam?  How can the team be supported in their work if the leaders move 'home'?  

Our brains hate uncertainty and in many of these coaching conversations people were seeking to make the right decisions in the midst of many unknowns. 

We need different strategies and ways of operating in these situations of complexity and chaos. It's difficult, painful and disruptive of work and life. 

The things that previously provided stability and purpose have been shaken for many people.

I appreciate the courage and adaptability that my clients have shown as they continue to do the work that is important to them, to care for the people they have been working with, and to care for their familes and colleagues.

I've written this E-Book to speak to our personal responses in uncertainty.  Please feel free to download and share it with anyone you think may benefit. 

And please stay connected in this difficult time. https://www.linkedin.com/in/trishacarter/

Mindfulness and Trees - an antidote to anxiety

Right now, there is much that is uncertain and scary. 

Mindfulness is a practice that can reduce stress and anxiety and give us a greater sense of agency or control in anxious times.  Instead of our minds running away with thoughts about potential future worries that we can’t control, mindfulness enables us to be in the moment and focus on things in that moment.

Mindfulness is defined by  John Kabot-Zin as ‘awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally’.  In the 5 Ways to Wellbeing model it’s described as Take Notice or Be Aware.  There is significant evidence that mindfulness not only aids our mental health, reducing stress and anxiety but also enhances our physical health boosting our immune system and reducing our blood pressure –two aspects that could become very important to us as we work to keep healthy.

What are some simple ways we can increase mindfulness every day? 

There are many - today I'm focusing on a mindful walk.  If you are practicing social distancing but not quarantined at home a mindful walk in a park will be beneficial.  This will incorporate added health and wellbeing benefits such as exposure to sunshine (vitamin D) and nature.   

Last weekend I walked in the Kamay National Park and focused on the trees, specifically their trunks. 

I took notice of the shapes and the textures of their trunks.

I observed those that appeared to have survived storms.

And those who were very different to each other.

I noticed those who had symbiotic relationships with other organisms such as this scribbly bark gum tree where a moth made the patterns in the trunk as it burrows below the bark.

At each point of taking notice I was mindful of the tree in front of me.  I wasn’t worrying about COVID19 or concerned for my family or other issues.  I was noticing and appreciating each tree and its trunk. 

Jodi Harris, a special friend and colleague has a business called World Tree Coaching where she delivers virtual mindfulness training and coaching.  She uses the image of the tree to guide her values in business and life.  She considers the tree trunk as the heart of the tree and believes “When we live from the heart we can’t go wrong. Cultivating love and self-compassion is especially important for expats as the experience can often feel out of control.” 

In 2020, cultivating love and self-compassion is especially important for all of us.

There's science and then there's culture - how we respond to science

“Why is no-one wearing a mask? This room is full of people.  We know this virus is in Sydney.  Why aren’t you all wearing masks?”

The Chinese student’s frustration was evident and the expert panel regarded her sympathetically.  The moderator passed the question to the University Vice Chancellor. 

“Well there’s science” he said, "and then there’s culture about how we respond to science.”

Throughout this COVID-19 outbreak we’ve heard from the scientists, sharing fixed knowledge about viruses and epidemiology.  And sharing emerging knowledge about this virus, SARS-Cov2.  But the way we hear that knowledge, what we take from it and how we act on it is influenced by our previous experiences and our beliefs – our culture.

As news emerged from China in late January we saw pictures where everyone was wearing a mask – where someone who wasn’t wearing a mask would have stood out.  As the epidemic progressed those who were outside without masks were berated by police to go home and to put on a mask.  

In the very collective Chinese culture people regarded the wearing of masks and isolation at home as what they had to do to take care, not just of themselves, but also of other people, and indeed the whole country.

Western scientists have told us that many masks are ineffective at keeping the virus out but that they may be effective at keeping it in, preventing spread to others.  By implication, a population where everyone is wearing a mask, may slow spread.  Here in Sydney those faces with masks on the train or in the street are very few.  We don’t have a history that has prepared us for regularly wearing masks so wearing one may be like painting a target – I’m not well so I’m wearing a mask.  It can be difficult to self-identify in this way.

As a more individualist society we don’t necessarily gain comfort from all of us doing the same thing – unless we are at a footie match cheering on our favourite team or in the middle of a drought and cutting back on water.

I can understand the Chinese students desire for everyone to wear a mask – she would have felt safer from the risk of someone else passing on the virus if we had all been wearing masks. Access to those masks is a different issue as we know they were in short supply following the Australian bush fires and subsequent poor air quality. 

We also know we want to prioritise those masks we have for health care workers and we don’t want a repeat of the craziness of the great toilet paper frenzy! 

Our behaviours about what keeps us safe are drawn from our values and our previous experience -not just from scientific information.

As different countries and cultures are quarantined and in social isolation we see groups responding differently.  In South Korea, the response to the social isolation has been relatively quick and consistent.  In Italy, the Prime Minister complained that young people were still going out to nightclubs, before he introduced the lockdown to force people to stay indoors. 

What can we take from this as we face the current uncertainty?

• Be understanding of others who may be looking at things from another perspective. 
• Recognise that our responses may not always be ‘scientific’ but might be influenced by our previous experiences – what we consider is right or wrong according to that experience.
• When communicating critical messages re health and behaviour give your messages nuance for the population you are speaking to.
• In these very different and challenging times we all need to be open to doing things differently and to consider different ways of operating.

Photo by Lucrezia Carnelos on Unsplash 

Dear Australian expats, migrants and travellers

Right now, we understand if you are feeling far from home wherever you are in the world.  

We understand that getting messages from home may be a source of anxiety, that you are watching for news alerts and perhaps feeling tense when those alerts come in.

Like us, you are checking notifications from fire fighters about latest fire conditions, the Fires Near Me App or the Air Quality App.   

You are feeling for loved ones, for your homes and the places you remember.

And yet people around you are probably not interested or don’t understand the complexity of a bushfire and can’t work out why Australia hasn’t put those fires out yet.

Perhaps the pain for those of us when we are far away in difficult times is in feeling we are not working together, evacuating together, being on alert together –forging those bonds that tend to grow in situations of adversity. 

You are not a part of the team who are doing something special in surviving, connecting and rebuilding.  So, what can expats, migrants, travellers, do when far from ‘home’ and sharing the hurt?

There are often practical things we can do –donating to a cause, sending a gift or something you know is needed, but often the most powerful thing is in connecting, talking and above all listening. 

Psychologist often warn about weakened support networks.  Those who are there and close by, may also have experienced challenges and are processing and dealing with their own responses to the trauma.

Someone who lives next door and can help with the practical clean up may have their own issues to worry about and may not be able to really listen with love and caring to what your loved ones have been experiencing. 

Because you weren’t there you may be a better listener to support them than those who were!

Listening and letting them talk may be the greatest gift you can give someone who has recently experienced a traumatic experience.  Often allowing them to replay the event in the natural context of a caring conversation with a friend or family member, will be the greatest aid to recovery. 

Remind your loved ones that often we have strong reactions to tragedy (sleep difficulties, tiredness, difficulties concentrating among others) but that these reactions are normal responses to the challenging situation they have experienced. 

Acknowledge how well they have coped and how proud you are of them. 

Sometimes, too, things can be said in these conversations that may be more difficult to say in an everyday face-to-face conversation.

Take the opportunity to tell your loved ones how much you love and appreciate them.  

And don't forget to take care of you too. 

For more on mental health and wellbeing read here.