Bridging the distance in times of sadness

There are times when electronic communications don’t go anywhere near to making up for the face-to-face, walk alongside you, and give you a hug sort of communications. Sometimes it’s celebrations.  My Mum’s 70th birthday party was while I was living in China and we had to make a choice to be back in New Zealand for that celebration or my brother’s wedding. We missed Mum's birthday.   Even the annual celebrations can be tough, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Spring festival – times I have wished- or seen friends wish - for “home”. But I think in many ways, the sadder times are even harder.  When you can’t be there for the funeral of a loved one, or to help someone who is ill, or to share the load with those experiencing the clean up after disasters then it really hurts.  In the last couple of months as my Dad has been ill, two of my favourite Uncles have died  and earthquakes have rocked one of the places I call home I have wished I could do more than send my love, donate, or call to chat.

Over the past few months as floods have devastated Pakistan and swept through towns here in Australia, as the miners were trapped in Chile it’s a feeling that I’ve seen echoed in tweets and blogs from around the world.  Even my friend Sarah @adventurecoach at Base Camp in the Himalayas, while preparing to climb Mount Cho Oyu wrote;

"My thoughts are with those dealing with the quake damage in Christchurch.  It has been VERY encouraging to hear from everyone and especially as it feels like I am a very long way from you all."

The remembrance or anniversary of tragedy can also be a time we want to physically be with those we love. As one commentator wrote on Jonathon Fields blog remembering the September 11 tragedy in NYC  9 Years Later, The Air Still Thickens - 2010-09-11

"No one wishes for terrible things to happen, but some of the strongest bonds are born of tragedy – with our fellow humans and with our own hearts."

Perhaps the pain for those of us far away is also in feeling we are not forging those bonds.  Not a part of the team who are doing something special in surviving, reconnecting and rebuilding  So what can expats, migrants, travelers, do when far from ‘home’ and sharing the hurt? There are often practical things we can do –donating to a cause, sending a gift or something you know is needed, but often the most powerful thing is in connecting, talking and above all listening.  Someone who lives next door and can help with the practical clean up may have their own issues to worry about and may not be able to really listen with love and caring to what your loved ones have been experiencing.  Listening and letting them talk may be the greatest gift you can give someone who is hurting from a loss or who has recently experienced a traumatic experience.  Often allowing them to replay the event in the natural context of a caring conversation with a friend or family, instead of blocking up their thoughts or feelings, will be the greatest aid to recovery.  The American Psychological Association has advice on its website about recovering from trauma.

"Ask for support from people who care about you and who will listen and empathize with your situation. But keep in mind that your typical support system may be weakened if those who are close to you also have experienced or witnessed the trauma."

Read that last sentence again!  Those who are there and are close may be a "weakened" support network because they will also have experienced things they are processing and dealing with.

Because you weren’t there you may be a better support them than those who were!

Remind your loved ones that often we have strong reactions to tragedy (sleep difficulties, tiredness, difficulties concentrating among others) but that these reactions are normal responses to the challenging situation they have experienced.  Acknowledge how well they have coped and how proud you are of them.  And where loved ones have passed on –give those who are now alone and grieving an opportunity to talk about the one who has passed.  Relive special memories together. Sometimes, too, things can be said in these conversations that haven’t previously been spoken aloud and may be more difficult to say face-to-face.  Tell your loved ones how much you love and appreciate them!  Make that call!

Professional Information about responses to trauma is available at the APA site and the APS site http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/traumatic-stress.aspx http://www.psychology.org.au/community/trauma/